Attack of the Beards

    By Christopher Dauer Reporter

    It’s November. We just got done dressing up for Halloween. Some people can’t wait for Thanksgiving, while others completely skipped Thanksgiving and are already singing Christmas songs in their car. For guys, there is one major event that is never skipped. No-Shave November.

    This is the one month a year where a man has an excuse to be a man. It’s the chance to show how much of a man you truly are and the chance to feel superior over guys who have less facial hair than you. Facial hair is attractive to some girls, so confidence is at an all-time high. Why not do this all year long? You’ll soon find out.

    At the beginning of this new relationship with your facial hair, you are having commitment issues. Every day you look in the mirror and wonder if you should just get rid of it. But just like any new relationship, you need to be patient and get used to something always hanging out with you. You then decide to give it a few more weeks.

    After a few weeks, you realize that this relationship irritates you to the core. You constantly scratch and at some points you are just ready to break-up with it out of frustration. But then you look in the mirror and kind of like the way it looks. Girls notice this, too, and you like the attention. You decide to keep it a little longer.

    The end of November comes and you have a decision to make. Keep this relationship a fling or truly commit. You reflect on the past month and what happened while having this relationship. Not so bad. Then you think about the future. Can you see yourself spending the next ten years with your facial hair? Knowing that you will scratch frequently and forget what you look like under that behemoth of a beard. What about your wife just kissing a bunch of hair or her even dancing around your lips, just so she wouldn’t get poked while trying to kiss you? Maybe you think about how your kids will make a game out of kissing you goodbye. Every time you try to kiss them they yell “Spikes!” and run away.

    You then look in the mirror, look down at the razor in your hand, then look at the mirror again. You slowly move the razor to your cheek. You slowly move your hand in a downward motion, leaving behind a patch of smooth skin. Just like that, your month long relationship is over. And the worst part is you just cut yourself.

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